Thank Christ it’s over.

rain down come on rain down on me

If 2012 is anything like this year, I can’t wait.

Yeah, my sense of eagerness was completely wide off the mark on this one.

I’ve never been happier in my life to have a year of my life come to a close. Last year was easily the best year of my life to date. I was basically on a high, so to speak.

One year later, here I am reflecting on what went wrong compared to a year ago. Why am I writing this and making it public for all to read? I actually don’t have a clue. Maybe all this cleansing will help me move from this year with little to no bagage to carry in to next year. Or something else. I don’t know.

But this year has been very shit. A lot of factors – both personally and professionally as a games journalist – has led to me having a crisis of character in myself. Tears have been shed numerous times, again personally and professionally. I’ve pretty much had most, if not all, confidence shot out of me thanks to how draining and exhausting it has been this year. I am now set to leave 2012 with a ton of regrets from myself.

And at numerous intervals during the year, I’ve doubted my own ability as to whether I can maintain what I’m doing (events in the summer exaggerated said fears and the burning embers of Doritogate didn’t help matters neither). And I still do.

My personal life hasn’t escaped unaffected neither. Without getting into it too much – personal means personal – outside games, its not been a very good year. But what I will say is I think a lot of that is down to missing a lot of people on the Mainland in a year where I vowed I’d be over permanently full-time. I don’t know why I wrote that last bit, but it’s pretty much true when living somewhere where there is pretty much nothing left for you anymore.

But, yet, this year hasn’t been entirely shit.

It has been for the most part, of course. But at times, it has actually been – and don’t say this out loud – actually great. September and October stand out as the high points of what has been an incredibly bad year, with Eurogamer Expo 2012 being the shining highlight for being such an amazing event.

Between Eurogamer Expo and the Games Media Awards 2012 (and MCM Expo before them in May), I’ve met incredible new friends, seen old friends who I’ve known in this industry for years, seen heroes of mine who inspired me to become a games journalist and a hero of mine who made me remember why I became a gamer in the first place (that person being Hideo Kojima).

So I write this entirely unsure of what next year will bring. And truth be told, I’m not exactly sure if I’m optimistic for it neither. But I’ll try to keep fighting for what I believe in. I’ll try to keep pushing to be the best person I can be, be the best writer I can become (hopefully with a new full-time job rather than freelancing it) and pursue my remaining goals in the industry, including one particularly massive dream of mine.

Whatever comes my way, I know I’ll have some amazing friends with me in one form or another to advise, guide and support me (at least I hope so). And while I ain’t going to positively vow I’ll be on the Mainland next year, I know the day is approaching. When, I don’t know. But it is coming. It was close this year, but an unfortunate red herring popped up (if you think long and hard, you’ll know what I’m referring to).

The Masterplan is still in effect. And while I won’t assuredly say it’ll be next year, I’ll try my best for it to be as soon as possible.

I’ve come to hate Christmas as of later years, but for what it’s worth, I hope you have a good one and a Happy New Year.

One reply on “2012 – what a (shit) year”

  1. Very honest of you :) I’ve had a pretty terrible year. Life has knocked what little self confidence I had completely out of me which has made even basic stuff very difficult to deal with! I’ve been lucky that work things have gone pretty well but other than that, ugh. Genuinely second worst year in recent times. And given my worst year involved my Dad dying….well, yeah, bleh!
    I’m rambling but what I’m trying to say is I hope that 2013 is an amazing one for you :) You deserve it!

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